Mr. No-Game

So I'm addicted to Facebook right now. I've been trolling my HS classmates, my college friends, my preschool-mates, and my sorority sisters. It's a numbers thing. Not that I'm comparing my number of "friends" to anyone in particular. I'm just addicted to making that one number grow. People with sitemeters may be able to relate with me: It's much like the numbers challenge you face every time you check your hits.


A close friend whom I rarely speak to these days (but we play a mean game of phone tag) has always had her own obsessions: Getting into heaven the old-fashioned Jewish way, by making 3 matrimonial matches (and you thought those bubbies did it out of the kindness of their hearts!); making me one of those "matches"; and converting me so that the resulting offspring will also be Jewish.

It's a sickness I'm not sure she'll ever get rid of, and until she does, I'm forced to be the Ace in her back pocket: the Shicksa for all of the Jewish boys that say they're not "into" dating Jewish girls "right now."

Facebook has helped this friend keep her obsession(s) alive with very little intrusion into my own life. Case in point: she recently IMed to tell me that there was a strapping young man who was interested in me. She had forwarded him one of the less-flattering (in my opinion) pictures of me that are on my profile from my birthday (remember the red dress?).

He works for some kind of defense contractor (get in line, pal!) and so could not talk to me directly that day, but had his obnoxious NYC friend "screen" me. And then the man himself and I played some facebook-message-tag. Here's a classic, a message that I think sums up his character, as he represented it to me:
"Tragic news. But as I always do, I will regroup and move forward. Life's road blocks are mere character builders for me: they make me stonger. Like wild chicken.

So your friend Amy is cooking up a little something for us Saturday, I think you should find time between all the heavy lifting to show your pretty face and corresponding sweat stains.

As for my busy schedule as a top secret intelligence official - I am not sure how I even have time to write this. It is tough juggling my online stalking, fantasy sports, g-chat and saving our asses from the terrorist enemy. Man I am good.

Oh - so my point is that i''m not busy and we should get drinks sooner rather than later before you fall for a cuter and smarter version of myself.

So here I lay in my queen size, midnight has struck, and the stomach has settled. It is finally time to turn it over to E, Turtle and the gang. My correspondance will have to terminate.


Can't you see why I was subsequently unable to keep myself from banging down his door? I even politely told my friend that I kind of had my own nice, Jewish boy these days (that I'd found myself, thanks to DS) but she was un-deter-able. She gave the guy my phone number and then he proceded to text message me, too.

Some call it "witty," but I call it an obnoxious and failed attempt to channel Adam Sandler.

Facebook=Friends, NOT dating.

But that's just my opinion.


Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

Gag. I call it trying to hard.


Sweet said...


yo daddy said...

You know I give the dude credit for coming up with a decent concept but i take away all cool points awarded for execution that is absolutely grotesque.

Oh..and the whole facebook stalking thing...That's why I haven't updated my picture in a year. Let alone any personal info... I can't let people know i'm an out of work overweight schlep who tries to pick up college freshmen before they know they should stay away.

roosh said...

his email was very funny. if i was a girl i would date him

HomeImprovementNinja said...

That is the worst attempt at having game that I have ever seen. FYI, self-deprecating humour is only funny if the person saying it isn't as pathetic as he is pretending to be.

I think you could do find half a dozen people on a random elevator who are better than this guy.

JD said...

So, you announce to the world that you're in a relationship, and your friend still tries to fix you up with someone new? Doesn't seem terribly respectful of your decision, kinda like she knows better than you do who you should be with... weirdness.

What's even more odd than that is the truckload of awkwardness that she tossed you in front of. This guy's sense of humor comes across like a flimsy, wet, tattered bedsheet partially covering the denuded corpse of his own self-confidence.

His "lack of game," how you say, is painful to read because it's so transparent.

Either that, or he's just a tool. :)

KassyK said...

I am too old for Facebook. How sad. :-(

O-FACE said...

Straight Nerd......

O-FACE said...

How come you didn't use the pic of your eyes as a header??????? Enquiring minds wanna know

Washington Cube said...

I'm not Jewish, but I made two matrimonial matches. One has stuck (and I think "for good,".) The other one didn't make it through, but they sure fell in love at the beginning and you thought they would.