One of the bankers at my office showed up 2 hrs late for work one morning last summer. His was the open cube in front of mine and he plopped down in his chair that morning, eyes bloodshot. It took a while, but he finally told me what was up. "Maggie (his wife, who was 6 months pregnant at the time) "came home last night and told me she quit her job." According to Tom the banker, Maggie was not taking maternity leave, she just left. She didn't want to work again- ever- now that the baby was coming and she hadn't even thought to consult Tom, who maintained he had no previous idea his wife felt that way. He tried to laugh about it, but I could tell by his red eyes that he had been up all night worrying.
I feel bad for heterosexual men. It's just not easy being a straight guy. Money, Sex and Power are all riddled with double standards for the average heterosexual man. As Tom's story proves, they're supposed to be eager default breadwinners yet equally unthreatened secondary earners and content equal-earners. They are expected to harbor no negative feelings should their partner and equal provider, a woman, one day up and say, 'I don't want to work anymore.' And these financial double standards start way before cohabitation and marriage.
On dates the man is expected to pay. Especially if he likes his date a lot, he usually ponies up the dough. Men are supposed to see paying for their dates' time as a priviledge. He's not allowed to resent the fact that he just paid for 2 dinners whether or not it was a 'good date.' And he's definitely not allowed to be disappointed if his dinner-paying doesn't broker sex. Not to mention the glaring double standard that should he consistently choose to invite a lady friend to do things that are cheap or free he would be considered a SCRUB.
And then there's sex. I knew one man 'got it' when he whispered to me, mid make-out: "We're just talking dirty, but still. I really want, wish I could... (insert lewd act here)." He really didn't want to rush into getting busy, but he understood some lip-locks need some hot words, too. Not every man 'gets it' like he did.
And how can you blame them? Men are raised to cultivate their sexual libido- the more insatiable, the more "manly"- with the only words of warning during their adolescence being, "don't get anyone in trouble." They're taught that women never want it as much as or in the same way that they do, so sex and dating become a complex game of "kidnapping the pu$$y."(-Chapelle?) Is it any wonder then that many men are confused?
Case in two points: A bartender friend of mine once told me, (while my date was in the bathroom), "My women love it when I give it to them hard. Their lips may say 'No' but their other lips say 'Yes.'" (Insert horrified face here). Another time, a very frank date candidly told me at the end of our date that he was surprised we hadn't had sex. Why? "Because usually if you fool around long enough, they give in."
And then there's power, or control. Men are supposed to see power, as it regards a relationship with a woman, as an illegal sublet. They'll take charge or "own" a situation until she says she wants the control of x, y, or z, at which point Mr. Man is expected to acquiesce. If he doesn't take to not wearing the pants? He's an unevolved, Neanderthal control freak. But if he never had the reigns in the beginning? He's a whipped, push-over pansy.
And then there's the other power, self-control. Men are supposed to be evolved enough to know that sometimes their women just need to cry or vent and they're supposed to simply listen, knowing that, usually, giving advice would just piss her off. But men still aren't allowed to cry themselves. Not really. Not unless someone died or their woman is leaving (and even then, only if he thinks it will work to bring her back).
A heterosexual male's existence seems riddled with no-win situations. People lament all the time about the difficulty of raising a girl, but raising a well-adjusted man must at least be equally challenging. Or maybe people accept (however erroneously) that the well-adjusted millennium man is a myth. Instead, they choose not to try- arming their boys only with the phrase "don't get anyone in trouble" each time they walk out the door- making raising them "easier."
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24 comments:
Holy expletive.
I can't even add to it.
Wow, a male sympathist is hard to come by.
I'm glad the media hasn't totally blinded society.
Wah wah wah, everywhere I look people are whining about how hard it is to be a man.
I just recently got embroiled in a big argument over at the something awful forums, over Men's rights re: child support.
One side thought that Men should be able to opt out of paying child support if they declare that they don't want children after the woman gets pregnant.
The other side thought men had absolutely no say and that once a man has sex with a woman he can be fiscally bound by her for the next 18 years.
What's your opinion? What would you guess was mine? (I feel like such a grown up asking stuff like this)
I dunno what your feelings would be, Rich. But these are mine: If you go to bed with someone and don't wrap it up, your cruisin' for a bruisin'. Neither one of you know what the outcome will be, and you'll have to stand like a man in front of the firing squad if she is pregnant because, well, your part is done. The only way I can see it being fair for you to "get out of" your responsibilities is if you took every precaution and she undermined them. Think: holes in the condom. No man who is not willing to pay child support should be 'doing it' without rubbers. And come on, it's a pretty heartless person that would walk away from their own child just cuz they didn't plan for it. It's still your kid, buck-o. It's not the kid's fault.
Related note: an ex of mine, my HS sweetheart, got a random girl pregnant after we broke up. She turned out to be a crazy girl who got pregnant by another, just as random guy a year later. He is suing for custody of his daughter right now, and the outcome looks good.
How tempting to accede and not take responsibility, but I gotta disagree with you on most counts here.
66- That's quite a first for this blog! (And a compliment, I think).
VK- Glad this could open a rant for you, darlin'. Holla, hehe.
Mr. Hubby- Don't get me wrong. I own all 6 seasons of S&TC, too...
AUA- I'm confused. I don't think I advocated ANY accession of responsibility. Can you clarify?
I thought this was a well written post, Roar.
At the same time, I disagree with some of your points. Not that they weren't great...I just don't agree with a few. Why? Well, because of course it's tough to be a straight man, but it is also tough to be a gay man, a straight woman and a lesbian woman.
The roles of men you spoke about are the problem. The roles that are society continues to put on men and men accept. There is a double standard all right...
Do they hand out Oscars for Bloggers?
I was referring to the responsibility of being a "man." There are a lot of things that are expected of us. Some things are cultural, some are evolutionary; some are valid, some are bullshit.
Yo Daddy put it best when he said that "any man with the proper self esteem should have no problem with the male dichotomy". We do have certain responsibilities, but foremost among them is to take responsibility for our capabilities. For example, be able to say "Honey, I can't afford/don't feel comfortable with/don't think it's a good idea for us to be a single income family."
That's the responsibility that shouldn't be acceded in a clamor to say "It's unfair what's expected of me!"
Long time listener, first time caller.
I don't really know how much I agree with your statements. I mean, I do agree that it is tough to me a male at times, sure, but I agree with CC that it is tough to be any type of person. I especially feel like it is especially tough to be a person in a relationship where there is bad communication. Really, I care not if my wife makes more than me, less than me, or nothing at all, as long as we are on the same page. If I am making enough money to be living comfortably while my wife stays at home and watches the kids, there is a lot to be said for that. If I am making enough money to live comfortably, but my wife really wants to continue her career and we send the kids to daycare, that's fine too. If I am not really making enough money to support a family in a manner satisfactory to me, and my wife wants to stay at home, we may have an issue, one which I am sure to bring up.
Really, I feel like being a male is pretty easy, as is being a female as long as you know where your partner stands on life issues.
In terms of being a single male, I feel like offering to pay for the first few dates is certainly called for (if they are insistant on paying their half, that's fine). After that, if I know they are living as comfortably as me, and we are fairly close-ish, I'm probably going to drop some clues that they start paying their half. Once you get through the initial awkwardness of not really knowing each other, I feel like the responsibility of paying isn't on me anymore. If they are a student, or have a shitty job, or whatever, it is different, and then I don't have an issue with paying. If the before doesn't really make me popular, and messes us up, that's fine, I am (most likely... you can always find someone that seems to be the opposite of what you are looking for... there are never always' or never's in love) looking for someone fairly independant, and it seems sort of contradictory that they would be making all this money and still expect me to pay for everything, if you are.
Eh, anyway I am going to end this now, because I am extremely prone to wandering during my writing, so before I start talking about things unrealated I will stop =P. But I don't feel like anyone owes me anything because I took them to dinner. Thinking that they do just seems really really silly to me.
In conclusion, just be yourself, and ignore what society thinks. If it doesn't get you a second date, it probably wasn't meant to be anyway.
Such thoughtful responses. It'll be long, but I'll respond in kind:
Chase- Roles are definitely what this post was about. Roles that I'm not sure I'd know how to navigate and I'm glad I don't have to. (Though I realize I may have to teach someone else to, one of these days).
And of course, it's hard to be any role. This blog is about, among other things, why it's hard to be a straight woman. I'm sure I'll get to the gay populations eventually, too. but since I'm fairly certain I'll be complaining about straight men in the future, I wanted to take a moment to tell the fellas, 'I get it.'
Daddy- Unfortunately, any guy tail-hooked by this post is probably a lazy, slacker SCRUB that isn't worth having. Let's get one thing straight: I sympathize that men have to straddle such confusing lines, but I'm busy trying to negotiate lines between my own feet, too. Cultural bullshit aside, I think it's easiest to take any person, regardless of role, on a case by case basis. And I'm really glad that in your case role pressure has not affected you.
AUA- Very valid point. Tom had options that he chose not to exercize (one of my pet peeves). Still, in his defense, he didn't complain about the situation. He freaked, but never whined. And you're right: I believe it's everyone's responsibility to "take responsibility for their capabilities."
Kyle- Thanks for calling in. Darling, anyone would be lucky to have you, and it's not just because of those baby blues. I'm glad you don't believe in pussy brokerage. There are guys that do, though. But two questins: You seem so ok with spending money on something that may go nowhere. It's hard for me to relate to that. Am I just a miser? And, how on earth does one drop hints to someone (who is oblivious) that they need to shell out some dough starting... now?
A very thoughtful post you got here.
I've never understood a lot of my married male friends' views of their relationships with their wives. They make no bones about the fact that the woman wears the pants and make all the decisions, and they cherish all the "men only" time they get. Why can't they have that kind of open, honest camaraderie with their wives? Why can't they ever tell their wives to sit down, shut up, and occasionally get naked?
When did love and togetherness become a matter of barter and economics?
Women and men in the modern era have been barraged with conflicting cultural paradigms to the point where it's impossible to gauge how a particular gender should act. I see this as liberating, personally, because if we are willing to treat each other as individuals, we can evolve past gender-role classification.
Put more simply, I took someone on a date recently and paid for the meal. I was raised to be chivalrous and generous about that sort of thing. She insisted she'd treat me the next time, and I held her to it. No complaints or arguing on her part.
I went on a date with a different woman, paid for the meal, and my date said she'd get us the next time. I held her to it, and she was shocked and a little offended that I did. "I wasn't serious! I just figured you'd pay."
"No," I said. "Fair's fair. You make good money, you made a deal. You hold up your end of the bargain."
One of these women did not get a third date. Can you guess which one? :)
Duh.
That last post was me, Martin. :)
The wonders of modern technology.
boztopia.livejournal.com
This was a very good and thoughtful post Ms. Savage. I don't have much to add, as every point has been discussed, but I just wanted to let you know.
Yeah, I suppose it depends on how you feel about money. I mean, look, just for her half, you are spending what? Maybe $50 a date for the first few dates (and it could certainly be less, just depending on where you go... but then again I might be the miser here), and really I will call the first 'few' dates like the first five (though of course it always depends). But either I am enjoying myself, so I don't really care, or I am not, so I don't call her back when the date ends. There should only be one date where you realize don't want to be there, then there probably shouldn't be any more. So it's like a $50 exit fee =P.
Again, I don't feel like I am owed anything for paying for dinner. So just because I enjoyed myself, doesn't mean that if you didn't you have to go out with me again. That's fine, I spent my money and had a nice experience. As long as I am having fun, the money isn't really an issue (to a point).
How do you feel when you have a really crappy several hour date? Don't you want those hours of your life back? Probably, but you won't get them back. So the only time I would wish I hadn't spent my money is after a bad date, but life goes on... without the person you just went on the date with =P.
On a different subject, when I have job interviews, and they ask me what my biggest weakness as a person is, I always say that I am too blunt at times, which is true. I understand there are times when maybe whispering in someone's ear, and letting word eventually get back to a person is beneficial, but sadly, usually when something pops into my head I say it. As you can imagine this is not really the best thing to happen at times (and I suppose I am living in the wrong city for this character trait also).
So if I feel there is no good reason that someone not pay their share, I will probably stare them down and make faces when the check comes, and if they are being purposely dull I will pay but probably talk to them about it later, if I do seem to like them. I guess I am just not old fashioned, but I don't see why if we are making similar money, and we enjoy each other's company the same, then why we shouldn't split the bill.
Again, I don't feel like I am owed anything for paying for dinner. So just because I enjoyed myself, doesn't mean that if you didn't you have to go out with me again. That's fine, I spent my money and had a nice experience. As long as I am having fun, the money isn't really an issue (to a point).
Kyle,
The money itself wasn't the issue. It was the fact that one woman I went out with had no problem paying for our meal, and didn't feel like it was my obligation to do so because I was "THE GUY." The other did, and not only that, made an offer that she wasn't serious about. That bothered me. ;)
One of the things I champion when it comes to human rights is "equal work, equal pay." If you work a job, you should get paid what you're due, regardless of ethnicity, gender, orientation, or belief. Women fought hard and long to earn the right to be paid the same as men for the same kind of work.
I actually think it's a little sexist to assume that the guy should pay for everything, because that implies the woman can't take care of herself. Strictly my point of view, so feel free to disagree. :)
With that said, I love treating dates, friends, and family to anything I can, because I'm generous by nature. I just don't ever want to feel obligated to treat someone simply because I have one set of genitalia and they have another.
*sigh*
That was me again. I keep forgetting that Blogger doesn't identify me as LJ does. :)
Martin
boztopia.livejournal.com
Great post….will you marry me?
On the real tho, the definition of gender has evolved and will continue to do so as long as society continues to evolve. I think the key to making life easier for all genders is to stop stereotyping each sex and allow people to grow as/be individuals, keep an open line of communication between the sexes and get conversations started about the role of each sex (i.e. this post).
Martin- Mr. Thoughtful himself called my post thoughtful. Thanks! But don't fool yourself, honey: "love" and "togetherness" aka courtship and marriage have always been about economics. O, and I'm guessing date #2? :P
Ms. Barmore- Thanks! Mwah!
Kyle- I've never experienced you being to blunt but then, I'm pretty blunt too... Bad dates make me feel tired, cynical and wasteful. Those feelings increase exponentially the longet the date is. My question for you (and anyone else): did you ever date a woman that would not pay, ever?
Martin #2- I don't think Kyle was responding to your comment. I think the excerpt you grabbed was in response to my lines: "I'm glad you don't believe in pussy brokerage. There are guys that do, though." No one could accuse you of being unfair or miserly. Perhaps ol' blue eyes will come back and clarify the direction of his comment?
GD- Where's my big ass ring?
Irony, folks. Irony.
Right, I certainly wasn't responding to you. I think we stand in the same place here.
And Jess, no, I have not. (Luckily)
Walmart... can you lend me some money so i can pay for it?
This post should be on the front page of the Washington Post and covered by about every major media outlet in the country. Speak the gospel sista, so true of what you said. If you could just convince your sisters to be a little accepting of realistic people instead of the hollywood lifestyle, maybe life would be a little less harder.
Great post querida. Saw your picture on I-66. Rrrrrrrr
EG
Kyle- I feel like you just out'ed me.
Ghetto- Sure baby. Sugar Momma's got you.
O-face- More preaching to come, Mah Brothah. Not to worry.
Guapo- Gracias, Mio Lindo.
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