Zero hour is upon us. Tomorrow will be Valentine's Day, and I will have fulfilled my obligation to K-- the week-long "Countdown to VD" will be over.
I thought I'd take the opportunity to stop complaining about the state of things and dispense some wisdom-- cuz Lord knows, you can't get through all those scrapes without *some* insight (or, at least, you'd hope).
My experience has led me to formulate the theory that there are 5 main types of guys out there. (There are definitely more, but I find that all of those that I have come across are just variations on the same basic themes. Secondary colors, if you will, to the primary that are the following five). Which of these have YOU come across?
The Prep: His crisp, popped-collar and perfectly creased dockers are telling you something about his personality- and no, it's not that he cares enough to pay attention to detail. The man is anal. Whether he won't let you touch his keyboard, his car stereo or his hair, he has control issues. He feels the weight of the world on him- pressure to be successful, intelligent, built. He's holding his sanity together with Scotch tape- so get used to the quirks, they're the tip of the iceberg.
The Downside: In the extreme, this anality even manifests itself in their sexuality. After 5 weeks of dating one noteably preppy boy in college, he would do no more than kiss me. I later found out he had been scarred for life on his first sexual encounter: the sex was fine, but the day after she was seen sporting a cold sore.
The Playboy: You heard he dates Redskins cheerleaders, but you only ever see him out and about with his boys. He's fun, polite and even great with the email banter.
The Downside: It's going nowhere. He sees girls in 2 categories: ones he wants to screw, and ones he wants to talk to. You got an email, right? You know which one you are. Many of these guys have "that one girl" from their past that encompassed both for them. That was a while ago. Now he's either waiting for her to come back or he's looking for her duplicate. It's not you (and why would you want it to be?). Stop crushing NOW.
The Loser: You invite this guy to hang out cuz he's nice and non-threatening. The problem is his verbal diahrrhea. In his un-socialized mind, he thinks his "straight-forward" approach is witty, when it's really just unnecessary. Classic: You mention your friendship and he quickly says, "Whoa! I'm not trying to date you!" Yeah, sure buddy. Or, "I can tell you like to be persued, but I'd like to see your interest in me now." (I've gotten this a few times, actually).
The Downside: he might not be so grating if he'd play his cards a little closer to the vest (and stop pretending his lack of internal dialogue makes him original).
Mr. Narcissism: No question, while dating in DC, you'll more than likely come across a man who has generated some hype for himself. It's sexy, it's fun, and both of you buy it. Just make sure your own ego is big enough to handle it when he books that Disney movie. (Yes, this has happened to yours truly).
The Downside: Don't take it personally when he's not eager to get to know (or even talk about) you. In fact, speaking of eager, if you like that can't-wait-to-have-you feeling a good, passionate bedmate can give you, look elsewhere. Sex with him is more like mutual masterbation at best. These guys have never had to be good in bed- (cuz there's a line behind you, Sister!)- so he's never tried to be (he thinks he already is). By all means, close your eyes, pretend he's not there and go for yours- cuz he will.
The Workaholic: He loves his job and he's probably successful. He's intelligent and has a great work ethic. He even wants the picket fence- eventually.
The Downside: He's looking for his Queen to complete the dynasty that he's so doggedly trying to create (and she's not necessarily an equal). If he begins regularly breaking dates for work-related obligations and doesn't seem all that apologetic, he's decided you're not that girl. Have fun while it lasts, but don't stop building your own empire, either. You may not end up combining assets.
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22 comments:
Have you never had a good relationship?
what's worse is when he's a combination of all of the above. unfortunately, it's possible.
Ouch. Is there no hope for my gender?
Re: the Prep, if he was scarred by threat of a cold sore, I'd think he'd want to do everything BUT kiss. I've dated that guy, sort of. Not so much preppy but very anal-retentive. A cop. He even made love by the book (literally -- he later confessed he'd done some homework). Which was not very loving at all.
...homework?
All I need to know I learned watching porn!
Okay that's so not true... but it's funny to consider, at least.
and can I add... I am SO not in there.
[pumping my fist]
Lala's right - heaven have mercy on the girls that have had to encounter hybrids of these 5 types. The most recent ex, he's the description of the Prep plus the downsides of the Playboy. Like you needed more reasons to disapprove? Heh.
Does VD tomorrow mean the end of the man-hating (ok, hate's a strong word) posts?
"Ouch. Is there no hope for my gender?"
Why, yes. Yes there is.
He's called "The Pig".
No muss, no fuss, easy to please.
Not particularly attractive to look at.
Hmm... seems like someone ought to take a shot at distilling all of womankind down to three to five simple labels too ...anyone? ...Beuller?
Rich, BPD, Nick- Keep reading.
Lala- OMG. Please tell me it's never happened to you.
ADub- EEEEEEw. Robo-tastic!
66- "Pumping" your fist???
Nick- No, I didn't. But thanks for the added fuel to the ex-hating fire. Speaking of hating... we'll see.
Jinx- Are you saying a pig is a step up from a real man? No way.
'Mous- Not touchin' it. OK, maybe I'll touch it for a second:
I'd be tempted to say there's more than 5 (cuz I came up with that many off the top of my head). A list like that is hard to make because women are judged differently than men. Cultural expectations for them are different. Not fair, but true. For instance, you can come up with at least 3 female versions (again, off the top of my head) of "The Playboy": The flirt, the slut, or Miss Non-commital. They each represent a mirror image of facets of "The Playboy" in female form, but there is not one word to encompass all of his attributes in a female. Were I to say "The Playgirl" no one would have a pre-determined idea of what I was talking about, the way the word "Playboy" immediately conjurs a cultural idea in all of our heads.
From reading lots of dudes blogs lately, though, I'd venture to guess that they might have a list that looked like this:
The Virgin
The Slut
The Gold Digger
Wudda you guys think?
Don't forget The Barnacle. Some girls just really don't know how to exist on their own. (She's also known as The Serial Monogamist but that's not half as fun to say.)
Rich, that ain't right!
Are you talking about number 3?
...
That was too much info wasn't it?
Roarsavage, can you delete that for me?
The Virgin
The Slut
The Gold Digger
Can I get that to go?
Anything for you, Rich. Too bad, the rest of it was good stuff. Think you can repeat? (For the record, I was talking TYPES, not specific-girls-you-dated, but whatever, it was funny).
ADub- Pathetic leach girls will forever be termed Barnacles from now on.
'Mous- Would you like fries with that?
Nanner- Way to keep 'em in check!
VA- Pony up, man, where's this list?
oh, but it has happened. four out of five, my friend! (all but the loser...well, as least not a "loser" based on your definition). that nasty combination was definitely part of the demise of the "relationship."
Lala- We should share notes or something. These guys really need to be voted off the island.
VA- Saw the list. Impressive. I think I'm closest to the chameleon "Party Girl."
Daddy- Thanks for the compliment. How do you "figuratively" pop a collar??
...well, there's the celebratory popping of the collar, where you quickly tug on a portion of your shirt up around the shoulders in the collar area. It's not the same as turning the collar up, but still a "pop" nonetheless.
...the example that keeps popping into my head is Xzibit on Pimp My Ride -- what he does to the people at the end of the show when he says they've officially been pimped.
No TV. Can't visualize the Xibit thing. But I think I get the gyst. Thanks for the insight, 66.
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