1.31.2006

The Banging Above

It became a running joke in our apartment. Nearly every evening around dinner time- any time, really, between 6 and 9- there would be a very loud banging coming from above our heads. At first we thought it was a hammering, but we soon discovered, when it lasted at least 45 minutes at a time with no secession in rhythm, that we were witnessing our neighbor's sex life. The banging only got worse from there. The TV often had to be turned up to be heard over the noise.

D & I began surmising who the nympho neighbor could be. We felt sure he was a guy. What girl, we reasoned, would want to be slammed that hard for that long? And, in the unfortunate event that a sexual encounter of that type befell her, what girl would invite the offender back for seconds? Clearly, we were dealing with a man.

Then came the most awkward conversation of my life. I was coming home to change for a night out, K by my side as I put my keys in the door. The main door opened behind us, and I turned to see a pretty, petite, professional-looking girl heading for the stairs.
"Uhm, excuse me. You don't happen to live above us, do you?"
"No. Why?"
"Well...!"
I began to vent, telling an exasperated account of our experience with the unknown neighbor which even included banging on the wall for emphasis and example. K and the girl were both hysterical by the time I was done.
"Wow. Omigosh. They have kids!"
"Well-- they're about to have MORE!"
I turned around to touch my keys again and her face dropped.
"You live in THAT aparment?"
"Yes, why?"
"Oh. Oh, I do live above you."
"Uhm, well... maybe it's your roomate."
"No, mine is the middle room."
"O.. well... uhm... I'm sorry.... I--"
"My bed is wooden and against the wall. Sorry about that."

Bright red, I turned and walked inside with K. My neighbor just giggled, completely unabashed, up the stairs.

Denoument: This past rainy Sunday morning I woke up to the sound of a rhythm I now know all too well. This time, though, the sound was muffled. My pretty, petite, professional neighbor clearly moved her wooden bed away from the wall. Maybe it was the rain, maybe it was the politeness of her gesture, or maybe it was the fun Saturday night I had, but that morning I was able to resist hating on the sex above my head. I mean, who doesn't love Sunday-Sex-Day? Besides, girlfriend likes to get it knocked out. 'Nothin' wrong with that. Go get it, girl!

**Scratch that. Warm fuzzies are gone. Girlfriend sucks. As of last night, she had moved her bed back to the wall, and her 45 minute sessions are now more like an hour. At 10:50 I turned to D: "He should be done by now!" D: "Yes, but he's starting to falter." Keep in mind, the 45 minutes are only how long her sets go. There may be up to 3 sets a night. And no, I'm not jealous. I'm sick of the noise pollution. My pretty, petite, professional neighbor is now a PRIME PAIN in my PANTS!**

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I haven't laughed that hard in awhile!

I-66 said...

heyyy new font!

I can dig it.

And the column I can dig too... but that's, yanno, a different kinda dig.

Nicole said...

45 minutes, nearly every evening? Other reasonable(?) explanations: He's not very good? Or maybe they're also closet alcoholics, drinking heavily every night which would explain the ummm, extended amount of time necessary before the denouement? (Let's just say I had a similar experience recently, which involved me driving an intoxicated gentleman friend home, but culminating in me thinking "I'm bored, why aren't you done yet, I've used all my tricks..." *blush*) Or...?

I would like to know however, is how you would have responded if she had said "Yes I do live above you" off the bat?

Johnny said...

2 funny!

Roar Savage said...

66- Thanks for the shout (You're so observant!. HTML is now my bitch, thanks to some very cool free online tutorials, per your advice. More advancements to come.

Nic- I'm not sure what I was thinking. Had I thought it was her, I probably would have put a face to the sound and then confronted her at another time (sans K).

Jinxy said...

Afternoon delight.

East-West Girl said...

Hi-larious. I used to have next door neighbors that would do the same thing on early early early sunday mornings. And it was so stop and go I began to feel sorry for the guy... Sadly, his headborad and my headboard shared the same wall. Oh those better-long-gone sleepless nights.

El Guapo in DC said...

She made me move the bed back. Lo siento.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo